RAMBLING, IDENTITY CRISIS, WORDS OF WISDOM

Hello guys! I’m sorry for the week-long absence, I guess I just needed a few days to myself. I’m kind of having an identity crisis, because I’m in a rut when it comes to bujoing/journaling. It makes me feel like such a failure that the one of the things I consider to be the biggest parts of my personality doesn’t spark the same joy at the moment. I thought it was part of “the real deal”, but now I’m lost. Have I been faking it? Is there any part of me that is truly “me”? Am I even real? I’m spiralling down in those thoughts. But over to something that is a bit more fun…

I bought a Switch! Impulse? Comfort-buy? Reward? Search for a new piece of identity? Ooo, shiny? I don’t know, maybe all of the above? What I do know is that I don’t regret it. I’ve always wanted to be a “gamer” in a small sense of the word, (or wanted? I mean I loved playing Narnia on my friends Playstation when we were kids), but I never dared.

Thoughts like “you’re not good enough”, “people will laugh at you”, “others have been doing this longer than you, who do you think you are” have been central in my mind. Not only when it comes to this, but with other activities – like drawing.

But just because someone may be better at you at something doesn’t mean that you can’t do it, it doesn’t mean you should compromise on your own search of joy and happiness!

Well, that was it for todays rambling :’) I’m going to take out my Switch now and play for a couple of hours. I bought Zelda – Breath of the Wild and it’s such a beautiful game. I’m trying to enjoy it as much as possible. Have you tried it? Do you have a Switch? Are there any games you recommend?

x Almond

WHAT IS MY IDENTITY?

I seldom feel like a whole person, just bits and pieces of whatever pass through my life that I pick up on. I try to fill a hole, where my identity should have been, by copying traits of others that I find appealing. I think most people copy others to some extent, but as an extra addition to their identity, whereas I copy to even have a base.

I have been blogging before, but I switched platforms to WordPress, trying to be something else, to maybe find myself here. Like, I saw this other blog that had the same design as I’m using now and that was really a big part of the reason why I switched.

Her blog was so neat and she seemed so content and stable in her own being, so I chose the same design in hope of becoming that as well. That I would immediately have the same cute manners, be this precious human being, as my idea of her was. Sad isn’t it, to be so uncertain in yourself? Well, hmm. I have more examples, but this would be a very long post if I was to name them all.

I do this to try and fill my identity in hope to find the mix of traits, manners and thoughts that will make people love me, want to keep me, need me. I mold into others, I lose the little sense of self that I have, and when people I get close to leave I’m left with nothing. I have to start all over again.

Being like this makes me feel like a lesser human being, but I’ve managed to figure out one trait that definitely is part of the real me: my care for animals. That has always been with me. At least that’s a good base.

x Almond