WISHES FOR 2021

In 2021 I wish…

… to read 12 books. In 2020 I only read 8, which is partly because I suddenly decided to knit some Christmas presents and they took a lot of time and energy to get done because I haven’t knitted for such a long time. This year I have definite plans not to knit anything, so I will have plenty of time to read, haha.

… to get control of my self harming. It’s been a lot lately and at the moment it feels quite hopeless. I’m drowning in shame and guilt and I just want it to stop. I know I can do better. It’s hard when you don’t actually care what happens and couldn’t actually be bothered to stop, because you know “it’s fine as it is”, but I’m determined to take action and don’t let it control my life.

… for the first time to write out and finish my first ever notebook. I’ve been journaling my entire life, I remember I must have gotten my first notebook when was about 4 or 5. It was this tiny book with an orange plastic cover. I called it something that translates to “little writing book of mine”. (I find that pretty cute, to be honest). I didn’t finish it and I haven’t finished a single book since either.

I think one of the issues is that I love collecting notebooks and when I find a new one I just have to start writing in it. Another is also my constant need for for fresh starts, a way of deleting the person I was, press the reset button. But this is the year!

… to save up for a tortoises! Since last Spring I’ve really wanted tortoises, I find them fascinating and think they’re awesome creatures. I’ve talked to a breeder, and now I just need the money to pay for it. I have never been good at saving money, never thinking I would need it as “I wasn’t going to stay around for too long”. Bad impulse control has had a say in it as well. I’m hoping these tortoises will help me look forward and stay on track. After all, if I don’t save I don’t get those tiny dinosaurs.

Yes, I realize it says 2020, I made an error. I fixed it.

… to lose XX kgs. This is not a healthy one, but it’s on my list so I’m sharing it. I haven’t talked about it here before, but my eating habits and body image aren’t exactly healthy and I was diagnosed with an eating disorder around the time when I was first inpatient. It has stuck around in different forms. I have to do this, if I don’t I will most definitely not manage to get control over my SH.

… to eat more fruit. Over to a more healthy one! I have been very bad at eating fruit the past years, it just never had a place in my mind. I know fruits are very beneficial for both our physical and mental health, so this year I’m going to focus to have fruits as a big part of my diet.

… to photograph more, and bring my camera with me everywhere I go. I’ve been in a rut with my photography since Autumn, and it’s been painful, at one point I felt so much like a failure and loser in photography that I put my camera up for sale. But I’ve had a serious talk with myself, telling myself I am good enough and that I need this, so I took the ad down again. And so far this year I’m doing good! I feel content with what I do.

Do you have any wishes or wants for this year?

x Almond

JANUARY FIRST

Crappy New Years, peeps! The time around New Years is usually a pretty difficult time for me. Thinking about how I have lived another year and have to start a new one. I don’t understand how I’m still here, why I’m still here. It’s just every year I get this panic-y feeling. Another wasted year, another year over due.

I wanted to spend New Years Eve alone, just practising some self care for myself. I was going to cat- and dog sit for them while my parents visited my aunt and uncle with a couple of family friends. They cancelled last minute due to Covid, so I stayed. I know New Years is yet another holiday my parents appreciate, and where they value family time, so Leesi and I didn’t go home to our apartment.

It actually turned out alright, my mother and I found out Bones was available for only thirty more days(!!) on our streaming service, so we watched that while my dad was in the upstairs living room watching horse races and the usual movies that aires around this time here in Norway. My mom and I have only 29 days to watch the remaining 3 and 1/2 seasons of Bones now. (I think we can do it).

I went to sleep at 23:00 yesterday. It’s not a big deal for me to see the fireworks. The fur babies were doing so great yesterday. The fireworks started slowly at around 16:00 and they barked a little at the first few bangs, but it seemed they understood that it was going to bang a little more that evening, so they either went to sleep or came onto my lap for sleepy cuddles. I am so grateful they are so calm about it, I can’t even imagine the stress and sadness people with nervous and stressed out animals on New Years Eve feel, and especially the animals themselves. I truly feel for them.

My parents, bringing Koda with them, left for the cabin this morning, and I’m staying at their house to watch the Kalypso. She’s currently fully stretched out on the living room rug, I think she appreciates having the space to herself. Well, Khaleesi is also here with us of course, but she’s pretty tired out from last night. I think this is going to be a pretty chilled out day.

I have layed out my unused A&O book now, and my new A&O Acrylograph pens, and I’m thinking of starting off the year in my new book. I brought all my bujo stuff with me when coming here just to be sure I didn’t miss anything, haha. I hope you had a great New Years Eve and I wish you all the best for the coming year ❤

x Almond

IN THE COMFORT OF MY LIVING ROOM

Sipping tea from the Marimekko mug I got from my fur babies for Christmas, watching big, wet snowflakes fall from the sky in the comfort of my warm living room. Vanilla scented candles are lit and Khaleesi is slumbering by my side. I know the snow won’t stay long, so I’m savouring this moment.

We’ve had constant rain for two weeks now, so looking out at the millions of snowflakes falling, almost dancing in the wind, gives a very welcomed feeling. Rain in Autumn is perfect, but rain in Winter makes gets me down. The sun sets at 15:00, if we even see it at all, so snow should in my humble opinion be mandatory, (do you hear me Mother Nature?). I guess this is what we’ll be seeing in the coming years due to climate change. It’s a real bummer, the snow brightens up the surroundings in a usually dark time.

I have no specific plans for today other than to try out the A&O Acrylograph pens I got from my mom and dad for Christmas. I’ve been eyeing them for so long, and an online store here in Norway finally got them not to long ago.

I’m thinking of starting with bullet/creative journaling again the coming year, I’ve fallen out of it the past few months. I miss sitting at my desk; writing, planning, creating. Cutting and pasting, stickers here, stickers there. And luckily I found an unused A&O book lying around the other day, like it was just waiting for January 1st to come around.

x Almond

GOING BACK TO BASICS: REVIVING MY BULLET JOURNALIST

After getting out of my apathetic rut I’ve wanted to come back to bullet journaling. I kind of fell out of the system some time before physically stopping to bujo. I’ve used this beautiful Archer & Olive book and been very into collaging and making it (in my opinion) pretty. And, as with many others, this became the bane of my actual bullet journaling.

I had to make a thought through collage over two pages before I could even write down a single letter and being as obsessive as I am I spent quite some time actually finishing the collages. I took my time and did enjoy myself too, but spending this time collaging made my eyes, my back (the kitchen table is not a good place to sit), and my head tired, so I didn’t bujo. I just dotted down what I had done at the end of the day and wrote a journal entry, and it was the same the next day, (if my head was up for it).

I didn’t have time or energy left to think, plan, organize, and set (and achieve!!) my goals.

Without the bullet journal to clear and straighten my head, I wasn’t very productive. I also didn’t get to unload through the day, which ended up with me being stuck with a mess of thoughts. I believe that when unloading and getting your mind down on paper, you let things go a bit. No, not completely, but enough to down the pressure a bit. You get to reflect while the pen does it’s work and maybe it makes it easier to put things away for a little while.

For my restart I’m stripping it down and go back to basics. No fuzz, no collages, no intricate layouts, no overthinking. Just black on white. The basic bujo. (I will even try to restrain myself from using washi tapes). I know this will make it more accessible to me, and that is a big point of the bullet journal – it should be easy to use, it shouldn’t take time, it shouldn’t be a bother.

I’m aching to get back some clarity of mind, and to (hopefully) up my productivity and get shit done. I mean, it’s already helping. I cleared my head and got ready for a meeting on Friday, and didn’t go into it like an unprepared zombie like I would have done just a few weeks ago. Also, I’ve been wanting to play on my Switch all day, but I had “finish post” dotted down today, and here we are!

If you bullet journal, do you do basic bujo or creative bujo? If you do creative, do you also find that you compromise a bit on the bullet journal system to be more creative?

Happy weekend!

x Almond

RAMBLING, IDENTITY CRISIS, WORDS OF WISDOM

Hello guys! I’m sorry for the week-long absence, I guess I just needed a few days to myself. I’m kind of having an identity crisis, because I’m in a rut when it comes to bujoing/journaling. It makes me feel like such a failure that the one of the things I consider to be the biggest parts of my personality doesn’t spark the same joy at the moment. I thought it was part of “the real deal”, but now I’m lost. Have I been faking it? Is there any part of me that is truly “me”? Am I even real? I’m spiralling down in those thoughts. But over to something that is a bit more fun…

I bought a Switch! Impulse? Comfort-buy? Reward? Search for a new piece of identity? Ooo, shiny? I don’t know, maybe all of the above? What I do know is that I don’t regret it. I’ve always wanted to be a “gamer” in a small sense of the word, (or wanted? I mean I loved playing Narnia on my friends Playstation when we were kids), but I never dared.

Thoughts like “you’re not good enough”, “people will laugh at you”, “others have been doing this longer than you, who do you think you are” have been central in my mind. Not only when it comes to this, but with other activities – like drawing.

But just because someone may be better at you at something doesn’t mean that you can’t do it, it doesn’t mean you should compromise on your own search of joy and happiness!

Well, that was it for todays rambling :’) I’m going to take out my Switch now and play for a couple of hours. I bought Zelda – Breath of the Wild and it’s such a beautiful game. I’m trying to enjoy it as much as possible. Have you tried it? Do you have a Switch? Are there any games you recommend?

x Almond

I KNOW AND I DON’T KNOW

It’s been two hours since I got home and my legs are finally starting to calm down. My mind is a different story, it’s still racing one hundred miles a minute. For what? Grocery shopping. How can such a normal thing set me off that much?

It’s the people. It’s what I perceive as judging looks and mocking smiles; distaste and critique of my being. I’m certain that my perceptions are real, but I also know it’s a symptom of my AvPD. I know – and I don’t know – that it’s an overreaction and (hopefully) not true, so why am I still feeling this way? Shouldn’t me being aware of it have burst the bubble?

Over to something more related to the photos… I wanted to show you my spread from week 2. It turned out to be one spread due to my flu and being chained to the couch, and Thursday to Sunday was more like a summary. This week I’m more in the game again, and I’m writing every day. It feels good to be back on track.

The smell of lasagna has filled the room now, which means it’s dinner time. I hope everyone is having a good weekend! Tomorrow I’m going to the movies with my mom and my aunt to finish it off. What have you been doing this weekend?

x Almond