Hello guys! I’m sorry for the week-long absence, I guess I just needed a few days to myself. I’m kind of having an identity crisis, because I’m in a rut when it comes to bujoing/journaling. It makes me feel like such a failure that the one of the things I consider to be the biggest parts of my personality doesn’t spark the same joy at the moment. I thought it was part of “the real deal”, but now I’m lost. Have I been faking it? Is there any part of me that is truly “me”? Am I even real? I’m spiralling down in those thoughts. But over to something that is a bit more fun…
I bought a Switch! Impulse? Comfort-buy? Reward? Search for a new piece of identity? Ooo, shiny? I don’t know, maybe all of the above? What I do know is that I don’t regret it. I’ve always wanted to be a “gamer” in a small sense of the word, (or wanted? I mean I loved playing Narnia on my friends Playstation when we were kids), but I never dared.
Thoughts like “you’re not good enough”, “people will laugh at you”, “others have been doing this longer than you, who do you think you are” have been central in my mind. Not only when it comes to this, but with other activities – like drawing.
But just because someone may be better at you at something doesn’t mean that you can’t do it, it doesn’t mean you should compromise on your own search of joy and happiness!
Well, that was it for todays rambling :’) I’m going to take out my Switch now and play for a couple of hours. I bought Zelda – Breath of the Wild and it’s such a beautiful game. I’m trying to enjoy it as much as possible. Have you tried it? Do you have a Switch? Are there any games you recommend?
Kalypso discovered birds for the first time yesterday, (or it was the first time she gave them any consideration), and she wasn’t quiet about it. Some “mreow, mreows” and that little “ka, ka”-like sound came out as the two magpies jumped from branch to branch in the apple tree in our garden. She went from window to window trying to keep up.
She’s still an indoor kitten, but it’s fun to see her get more curious about the world outside. I’m going to need to get her a proper harness so she can explore before I let her outside on her own when Spring arrives.
. . .
My cold is a lot better now. For three days all I could do was lie on the couch, even sitting was too exhausting. Journaling was out of the question, so my goal to do it every day of January kind of failed, and I’m behind on this weeks bulleting, which makes me feel awful. Writing and making collages gives me so much, so whenever I have a break I feel like I’ve lost something.
I had plans to dust off my math book and get started with studying again after my too long Christmas break today, but I had a doctors appointment and went grocery shopping afterwards and that was enough for me. That was enough exposure for one day.
I have this fear of studying. Or a fear of failure, of not being good enough. It’s paralysing. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day to try and challenge it again.
Today I’m having a slow and calm morning. The clock has already stretched to 1:30PM, so it’s technically mid day, but it feels a lot like morning still – I’m still in my one piece snuggle suit. Next to me is my owl cup, Evie, filled with hot broth. My second one for the day.
Yesterday I was dead beat, my whole body hurt. I have a cold that has really broken out, and today is unfortunately not any better. What makes it even worse is that I was supposed to visit my sister today, (which I was really looking forward to), but as I’m not in shape (at all), we postponed. Hopefully I’ll see her next weekend!
Today isn’t all bad, though, as my mom and I have 6 episodes of Masterchef Australia saved up! All those episodes are exactly what I need on a day like this and I wouldn’t ask for more. (Except for, maybe, some ice cream and a less runny nose).
I feel so sorry for myself when I’m sick, it’s stupid, so I’m about to head for bed for a nap. I know this wasn’t much of a post, but I wanted to do an update so it wouldn’t be all bare on here, and to give an explanation as to why there might not be a post for the next couple of days. *Crossing my fingers for a quick recovery*.